Love Filled Shoes

I received a comment and a link to a blog yesterday that really spurred me to think about how I feel about my own body, my views of society, and what I am trying to express on Loved Filled Shoes. I must confess that I am on the FA (Fat Acceptance) Fence. I’m leaning farther towards a FA world but not completely over the fence.

I guess you can say that I’m having a complete Hyde and Seek experience. One part of me wants to accept people of all sizes and limits. I believe that people should be judged by thier knowledge, life experiences, and personality. I also believe that if people put thier mind to it they can achieve anything no matter what size they are.

If this is what I believe then why does the other side of me not accept it? It’s not that I can’t accept it for other people. I can’t sit here and judge someone if they are carrying extra fat but thier health is in good condition. Why can I not accept it for myself? I have a good mind, a good personality, and have many life experiences to share.

I honestly think that it will take some weight loss and internal searching before I can become a true FA woman. My body size is putting limits on my life that I do not like. Though I do not health problems, I am dealing with loss of energy, loss of stemina, loss of drive, and a smidge of self anger. 

So till I can fully accept myself as a woman who has energy, stemina, drive, and love, I will always be on the FA Fence.

Lately there has been a lot of talk about the moms, dads, aunts, and uncles that are living to the ripe age of 100+. I have to admit that I sit on the fence when it comes to the decision of if I want to live to that age. My Grandmother lived till she was 92 and I still wonder if I want to add another ten to twenty years onto my life.

The study goes to show that people in Okinawa are living a very long time through a diet of fish, vegetables, corn, buckwheat, and mushrooms. That’s great and all but the culture in Okinawa is different than it is in the United States.

My honest question is who is going to take care of me when I’m in my 90’s and 100’s. People in the United States just do not seem to respect people of older ages. Families seem to put thier elderly away in facilities as if they were problems and not people. I’m not saying that all families and facilites are like this but I’m sure we have all read the horror stories.

What kind of quality of life am I going to have? As I said before my Grandmother lived into her 90’s but to me her life wasn’t that great. Grandma was stuck in her home because of nagging leg problems with television and her knitting as her only company.

Though I do have to say that this generation of elders is quite different than the generation that my Grandmother was in. Men and women are into breaking the mold, setting new hieghts, and really pushing themselves in thier elder years.

So right now I still stand on the fence when it comes to the decision of life in my 100’s. Who knows maybe sixty years from now that generation of elders will be far healthier and active than the current.

It honestly sounds like a movie title but this is true life. My husband and I possibly have eight more weeks to live in our apartment. We can thank the economy and other factors for that. Mostly because there are just not enough high school graduate jobs out there. When a person lives in the silicon valley its almost as if it’s Baccalaureate degree or bust. At times even those with Baccalaureate degrees go bust.

I’m really hoping for the best. I’m praying is some way that we both find employment or that one of us finds employment to pay all the bills. It’s not that we are not looking for employment. I did an estimate and it looks like both Michael and I put in nearly 400 resumes each month that we are unemployed. It’s just a very hard market out there for the employee.

At times I feel that my weight and health condition has a lot to do with the financial and employment struggle that we are dealing with today. I know that if I had a thinner body, companies would be more apt to hire me. Why? I guess companies think that thinner people will be able to do the bending, filing, and movements longer than a larger person would. I also know that if I had a thinner body then I would be able to fit into the free office clothing that the organizations and churches would give out.

Thank God that tomorrow is a new day and that I can forgive myself for messing up so badly. I am able to take the steps forward towards losing the weight, obtain office clothes, obtain employment, and obtain a better education so that I have a smaller chance of unemployment happening again.